Zach Writes: Bedtime Stories with iLikeZach #1

I suppose I’ll share some things about myself with you to start things off…

I’m a breathtaking dancer. But I don’t know exactly how to dance. But that’s okay because I’m more of a theorist so I tend to hit the dance floor immediately to get my experiments going. I sway and bounce slowly at first but then, when I feel like I’m in my zone, I break out suddenly into a giant crazy shoulder-shimmy, fist-pump, hip-shaking freestyle routine. The bitties love it. Epicnificence tends to ensue.

In eighth grade Science class we had to write a thirty-page illustrated report on the biological systems of the arthropod of our choice. I chose my arthropod wisely. You see, I knew this day would come. I knew one day I would have this glorious moment, years later, when I would finally be able to say, “I wrote the book on Pubic Lice”.

Needless to say, I decided to seriously limit my intake of shellfish after the arthropod project. Knowing that the internal make-up of a lobster and a crab was pretty much indistinguishable from that of a hissing cockroach or, dare I say, a pubic louse, made it difficult to continue to chow down on their boiled flesh. Watch out for those antennae!

I used to want to be a history teacher. It was the first occupation that made any sense to me. But my studies of that particular subject over the years led me to believe that participation in state-administered youth indoctrination, would inevitably lead to a position serving as a functionary in the maintenance of a relatively powerless career-employee class. Therefore, eventually, I stopped wanting to be a history teacher. I’m not sure what to be instead though. Maybe a superhero.

I take really good photographs of flowers. Like really good. I have a picture of a flower doing a line of coke next to Demi Lovato in Hugh Heffner’s underground pool with a possible baby bump showing near one of its petals. Like I take really good pictures of flowers.

When I was a kid, I drank a giant bottle of prune juice all in one sitting just to see if anything would happen. Something happened. And I was lying. I wasn’t a kid. I did that four days ago.

I got in on my first rap session when I was 13 in a cipher with an English teacher named Miss Jackson. Dude, I know. Legend points. Right time. Right Place. Some things are just meant to be.

I guess we’ve been introduced somewhat so I’ll stop there for now. I’ll be posting some awesome writings pretty regularly from now on. You will like that. Plus, there’s a bunch of other goodness I’ve gathered and put on the site to entertain you guys. Girls having sex with guitars and whatnot.

So I suppose we can begin. Welcome to my soul. Enjoy!
- ilikezach

And P.S. – Remember kids,
No one ever says, “I want to be a gutter-punk when I grow up”.

-:-):-):-)…;-D